Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Step into the shoes of an abused women

Domestic Violence is something that has been expanding world wide. There are many kinds of abuse but the most common are physical and emotional.
I can totally relate to women and children in the situation and share some insight on the subject.
Many might criticize a woman's motive for staying with a man that abuses her, but you shouldn't judge something you haven't experienced. 

Now step into the shoes of an abused women........Your family and friends hate him from the moment they meet him. You don't understand why they feel that way, he's really nice and you really got a thing for him. Since they don't like him, they stop coming around. You start to feel alone so this drags you even deeper into this relationship. He's constantly telling you that your family doesn't love you and you only have him. At the moment you kinda agree with him because they have stopped coming around and they've been treating you like an outsider lately.

Your love deepens, the abuse begins and your pregnant with his baby. Once you have a child with him its hard to leave. You develop more feelings towards him than you originally felt due to this eternal bond you have just created. Your thoughts start racing about raising this child alone, your child not having a father. You not having a partner. Meanwhile, things get more serious before your eyes. Your friends are  calling you stupid. They tell you he will never change and your dumb for putting up with it. Deep inside you feel that he loves you and that many times he doesn't mean it. Maybe if you do things the way he wants, he wouldn't act up as much. Sometimes months will pass and there would be no problems or arguments so everything settles in your mind. However, the next incident is way worst than prior ones. Pushes, harsh words, negative comments about your family, slaps, or even a black eye. Do you leave now ? But we have been doing so good... I don't understand why he has to get so mad. He tells you ... look what you made me do baby .. I'm so sorry, you know I love you. You feel that this little fight shouldn't ruin the good streak you guys have going. So you accept his apology, put some ice on your wounds and soon everything is back to normal. Half the time your home alone. He out doing his thing while your home with the baby doing it all on your own but as soon as he gets home he wants all your attention. Tonight you decide to check his phone and see what he's been doing all this time in your absence. You find something that disturbs you and you want to hold it in because you don't want to fight but your women rage just over comes you and you confront him. This time he's breaking things and he really hurts you for looking through his phone. Completely taking the attention off what you have found in his phone and making this all about you invading his privacy.  This enrages you even more, that he's trying to blame you for finding something he shouldn't be doing in the 1st place. You given up everything for him and this is how he pays you by leaving you at home with the baby all day to be messing around on the streets. He's already infected you with chlamydia in the past, Next time it could be much worst. You are in tears and much pain...You feel like really breaking up with him now. But tomorrow he's gonna take the baby to school and drive you to work and give you some extra money. These are just things that happen in relationships "men cheat". He swears he didn't do anything and of course you believe him because you love him and you want to believe him. You don't want to break up the family. After some good make up sex you feel this is the person that makes you feel like no one has before. So you stay.  You say to your self that the next time you feel he's cheated your leaving !
Your child loves his dad around, you see the bond they have and you want to conserve it.However, fighting in front of the baby is not healthy and you feel that sometimes the baby is scared and in shock with the altercations.
Your subconscious starts speaking to you. You consider your self a smart grounded women, very mature and responsible, you don't understand why god has dealt you these cards.Why couldn't you just meet the prince charming you know you deserve..... If you've been the best he's had then why would he jeopardize such a good thing. Why does he come off as selfish even though you really don't want to believe it, but you honestly feel it. You want to leave him, but if he knows your leaving he will probably hurt you. Maybe your family was right about him...You know there are things he shouldn't be doing, like hitting you, because there is no excuse for that. but you love him. So what are you to do? How can a love so strong hurt so much. Maybe things will get better, maybe he needs profession help.
Eventually, you get beat up again and yelled at, he breaks more of  the things he didn't buy, says mean things about your appearance that really hurt your feelings, you start to cry and tell him you hate him which makes him even more mad. That night while he's asleep you look in the mirror. You see this giant black eye that make up won't cover. Something your child will see and ask you about it. What will you say at work ? Lucky your family doesn't come around or there will really be a problem. You can't live like this anymore... Now is the time, Now is the moment , you have given him enough changes, you have put up with enough , your baby has seen enough. Your leaving !!!

The outside glimpse that people see in an abusive relationship is that the girl is stupid for putting up with a jerk aka an abuser. However in our minds we are just so confused and emotional that we get caught up and we love this person and we believe this person loves us as well and that the situation is fixable. That things will get better. Many times friends and families give their backs to a sister , a mother an aunt a friend in this situation because after many incidents women go back to the abuser and they say oh fuck it she keeps going back so she must like it. I say please don't give up on them. Please don't call them stupid. Please listen to them when he has just hit her and she needs to talk to someone even if she doesn't plan to leave right that minute. Why ? why should you keep listening to the same old story over and over again, after you told her to leave this jerk. Because this jerk wants her to feel she has no one and that no one loves her but him. If every one turns their backs on her, she will start to believe that jerk and fall deeper into this abuse. Don't let him break down her self esteem. Abuser hate family and friends around, it ruins their control. If you have a friend or family in this situation stay attentive because they might not leave the 1st time or the 2nd or the 3rd but with your support and presence they will eventually leave thanks to you. Women in abusive relationships have to leave on their own when they have had enough. Putting them down and criticizing them will not help them or their children.

If your an abused women, and you can't get out of the situation because you fear for your life or your stability, try to stay out of his way and play the humble card while you plan your next move. Trust yourself when you reach your breaking point. Don't wait till your thinking about pulling the kitchen knifes out on him! Believe your instinct. If you feel he won't change he won't. If deep down you feel he is capable of hitting you again or offending you then he will. If you feel your child won't get anything out of continuously watching these altercations than you are completely on the right track. Trust yourself and talk to god and he will tell you when to leave and how ..... Trust me !

Blessings to you all !!!

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